Dirty Talk: A Beginner's Guide to Talking in Bed

The first time I tried talking dirty I literally said something like you feel nice and then immediately wanted to disappear into the mattress. My partner laughed. Not at me exactly but at the awkwardness of it. That was years ago and I have gotten significantly better since then. But I still remember how weird it felt to open my mouth during sex and try to say something intentional.

Here is what nobody tells you about dirty talk. It is not actually about being eloquent or sounding like you are in a movie. It is really just communication happening during sex. Telling your partner what feels good. Expressing that you want them. Letting them know when something is working. The words themselves matter way less than people think.

Starting With the Basics

You do not have to launch into some elaborate monologue. Honestly please do not do that. Start with sounds. Moans and breathing and sighs. If you are naturally quiet during sex just letting yourself make noise is the first step. Your partner cannot read your mind. Sounds give them feedback.

From there simple words work fine. Yes. Right there. Do not stop. That feels good. More. These are not complicated but they communicate plenty. You are telling your partner what works without having to construct sentences while also trying to focus on sensation.

Saying your partner's name is underrated too. It personalizes everything. Reminds both of you that this is happening between two specific people who chose each other. Something about hearing your own name in that context just hits different.

Building Up From There

Once the simple stuff feels natural you can expand. Telling them what you are experiencing. I love feeling you inside me. You are so wet. The way you touch me there drives me crazy. These are descriptions not performances. You are just saying what is actually happening or what you are actually feeling.

Then there is directing. Go slower. Touch me here. I want you to turn over. This gives your partner actual information while also being kind of hot. Knowing what someone wants and being told directly is arousing for most people.

The more explicit stuff comes later if at all. Using graphic words for body parts and acts. This depends entirely on what both people are comfortable with. Some couples love it. Others never go there. Neither is wrong.

Fantasy and roleplay territory is advanced. Incorporating scenarios or power dynamics or taboo elements requires real conversation beforehand. You cannot just spring that on someone mid sex and expect it to go well.

Finding Words That Actually Work

During foreplay I have been thinking about this all day works because it shows anticipation. You have no idea what you do to me expresses desire without being explicit. Telling them you love watching them get turned on makes them feel wanted.

During sex itself simpler often works better. You feel incredible. I love being this close to you. Look at me if you want that connection. Telling them when you are close. These are not complicated but they add dimension to what is happening.

Building anticipation earlier can be powerful too. Texting during the day about what you want to do later. Whispering when we get home before you even leave the party. That tension building makes everything more intense.

Sounding Like Yourself

Do not try to sound like porn. Seriously. Porn dialogue sounds ridiculous in real life because it is written for an audience not for the people actually having sex. Use words that feel natural coming out of your mouth. If you never say certain terms in regular life forcing them during sex will feel weird and probably sound weird too.

Match your partner's energy at first. If they use mild language going super explicit creates a jarring disconnect. You can introduce more over time as you both get comfortable. But starting where they are prevents awkwardness.

Practicing alone sounds silly but it works. Say phrases out loud to yourself until they stop feeling strange. Try them during solo sessions. Get used to the words so they flow easier with a partner.

Sexting can help too. Writing dirty gives you time to think about word choices without the pressure of the moment. It is good practice for speaking later.

Figuring Out What They Want to Hear

Ask them. Not during sex but at some neutral moment. How do you feel about talking during sex. Is there anything you would like to hear. Is there anything that would be a turnoff. This conversation prevents discovering their boundaries at the worst possible time.

Watch their reactions when you try things. Do they get more into it when you say something. Do they seem to pull back or get uncomfortable. Those responses tell you what to continue and what to skip.

Sharing fantasies reveals a lot. Someone who fantasizes about being dominated probably wants more commanding language. Someone whose fantasies are tender and romantic might prefer loving words. Ask about their fantasies and you will learn what verbal content works for them.

Things That Usually Backfire

Surprising them with degrading language or specific terms you have not discussed first. What is hot to one person can kill the mood entirely for another. Have the conversation before trying anything edgy.

Criticizing during sex. Dirty talk is not the time to say that is not working or you are doing it wrong. If you need to adjust something phrase it positively. I would love it if you tried or can you do this instead. The goal is guidance not criticism.

Forcing it when it feels fake. If you are performing and not feeling it that usually comes through. Simple genuine words beat elaborate scripts that do not feel authentic. Better to say less and mean it.

Assuming you know what they want to hear. Some words that seem standard to you might be uncomfortable for them. Specific terms for body parts or acts can have baggage. Ask before assuming.

Getting Over Feeling Awkward

Everyone feels stupid the first few times. I definitely did. The more you do it the more natural it becomes. Your partner is not grading your vocabulary. They are experiencing the connection you are creating.

If you do not know what to say just describe what is happening. I love how you feel. This is amazing. I want more. You are narrating your experience not writing poetry. Keep it simple.

Close your eyes if it helps at first. Start with sounds and single words before trying sentences. Build gradually. There is no rush.

If your partner stays quiet that does not mean they did not like it. Some people just are not verbal during sex. Ask them afterward what they thought. Silence is not rejection it might just be focus.

When It Is Just Not Your Thing

Some people do not want to talk during sex. That is valid. Physical cues work. Guiding hands work. Eye contact and expressions work. You can discuss what worked after instead of during.

Dirty talk is one tool among many. You do not have to use it to have great sex. If it does not add anything for you or your partner skip it. There are no rules about what good sex has to include.

What This Is Really About

Dirty talk is just communication during sex. Expressing desire. Giving feedback. Connecting verbally while connecting physically. You do not need scripts or performance skills. You need to be willing to share what is in your head while your body is engaged.

That vulnerability is what makes it work. Not perfect word choices or sounding like you rehearsed. Just honesty about what you are feeling and wanting in the moment. Start simple. Be authentic. Pay attention to how they respond. Build from there. That is really all there is to it.